she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
