How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
