My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
