I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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