I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
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I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
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Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.