he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
