I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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