I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
