I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
