Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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