dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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