turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
