just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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