btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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