she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
