I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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