So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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