I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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