There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize