Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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