ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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