Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
