if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
