Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I think I won the penis lottery.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
