Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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