Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
