She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
