I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
