I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
