You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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