I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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