There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
only if we run a train.
done.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
