Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My ATM looks so different sober.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
