I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
