I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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