Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
