He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
