Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
