guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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