I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
