My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
