I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
