As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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