Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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