You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
