I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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