Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
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He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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