Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
