My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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