Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
