Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
