My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
