In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
