I want to walk on stilts...naked
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
