I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i will never coherently bang her
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
